One of the things I have taken to heart from one my favs is that if a man is interested in you, he will behave as such. There is a man who is a “friend” that I have known for almost 20 years now. Friend is not in quotes because we had some type of situationship going on, rather my definition of the word friend is something that he does not qualify as. To keep it simple though I will refer to him as such.
I met him some time in the year 2000, the early internet days, on a MySpace like website for black folks. If you are old enough I’m sure you remember BlackPlanet. I was in college out-of-state at the time. He was just out. I can’t for the life of me remember what sparked our conversation but we eventually found out we didn’t live far from each other. We made plans to meet in person when I visited home for break. I barely remember yesterday y’all so bear with me as I sketch together 20 year bullet points of what I do remember.
- I remember never going on a formal date
- I remember going to his apartment to hang out only
- I remember doing some adult things twice
- I remember us never talking frequently but never losing contact
- I remember about 10 years in, wondering why we never dated for real
It was just a random thought that popped in my head. I honestly never wanted to date him like that. It was just my ego wondering why on both sides. Why did I never want to date him? and him me? I couldn’t remember any details but why had he never taken me on a date? He never even approached me in that manner or tried. It also wasn’t just about sex. Why did he keep in contact? I keep in contact with no one. A byproduct of my extreme introversion. We never did adult things again after those first couple of times in that first year of knowing one another, so why was he still “keeping me around” so to speak. We became good acquaintances I would say after that, nothing heavy. Once or twice a year mildly catching up through a call or an email.
This was our relationship for 17 years. In these past 17 years after that initial year. I remember seeing him about 3 more times.
- I remember him picking me up in his car and now that I’m typing this Im vaguely remembering we might have gone to get cookies once together? Or this picking up happened in that first year? Or the only other option is it happened for some reason I can’t remember in the first 7 years because 2007 is when I got my first car.
- I remember catching up with him in 2016. We met at a restaurant
- I remember going to a NYE party at his house this past year but we barely spoke 10 words as .. it was NYE & an extremely crowded house party
Then this year, something changed. He started contacting me more and more. At least once a week to once every other week. Sometimes a couple of times a week. Still very light conversation. How are you? How’s the job? During these texts he started saying that he wanted to come over and see my place. No problem I said open invitation, whenever you want. I have no life so it really was an open invitation as I’m always home. Was I going to out right call him and say hey want to come over this weekend? Absolutely not, just not my style. Besides, he was the one who wanted to come, I had no investment in this. This has been going on this entire year. Well finally this week, he came over.
Do you know in 18 years at this point, this week was the first time we had anything other than a pleasantries conversation? I found out about his parents, his siblings and even something as basic as what he does for work. We discovered our people went to the same college, different time periods. It was truly eye-opening. I thought about before how strange it was to have known someone for so long but not know anything about them. We drank some wine and had a nice conversation.
I cant remember what sparked this thread of praise but all of sudden it was I love you (not romantically), I adore you, you are great, intellectual, people care about you so much (not true), you post something and get like 10 likes in a few minutes (also not true) and the list goes on. It was a head trip. I just sat there asking him where was all of this coming from? He was tipsy at this point so I never quite got an answer to why. I told him we should have this conversation at a more appropriate time. I did see my in to finally ask him why he never approached me in a dating manner and his exact words were “I didn’t think you would be interested in me. All your dudes were thugs” as he opens his arms wide and chops his right hand for emphasis “or squares” he says with his left hand on the opposite end. Wow, I immediately recognize this to be true. Everyone I dated did sort of fall on that spectrum, but that was who approached me. Who made time for me and let it be known they liked me. I laughed and let it go, told him it was true and carried on. Not satisfied, but also realizing that about as straight as an answer I was going to get under these circumstances. If he were interested he would have done more wouldn’t he? This is all my ego though. I have reasons I can’t remember for not wanting to date him and definitely do not want to now.
I’m not that old but I have a sort of Whoopi Goldberg approach. I don’t like anybody in my house. How am I going to have a relationship with anyone when I am way more comfortable by myself? At the same time I do want companionship. I don’t wish to be married again. I don’t even want a relationship but a companion would be nice. Someone I can go to dinner with to check out a restaurant I want to try. Someone to go to a movie with at night. Someone I know has my back and I can list as an emergency contact. But they go home. To their house. I once met a woman who was married for over 22 years and her and her husband lived separately. I think that is an ideal situation for me. I don’t know where his sudden declaration of agape love came from but I am looking for someone who genuinely feels the same as his drunk words spoke. So Keke, Do you love me?
* I’m willing to bet that now that the goal has been accomplished the texts will go back to being once or twice a year or the next heatwave. Including this for future reference, will update in a month