Shout out to Al Green. If a song encapsulated how I have been feeling, it’s that song. I am so tired of having to do everything alone. I am responsible for everything and it’s exhausting. Today was the penultimate in a series of things.
As mentioned in a prior post, I am introvert and I also got a new assistant at work. I’ll refer to my old assistant as A1, the new assistant as A2 and the third as A3, oh yes, they changed again. A1 has been my assistant for the past 3 years. We have never had any problems, no tiffs. I have had maybe one or two what I now see as small complaints the past 2 years but nothing major. Meanwhile everyone else at my job was always complaining about the assistants…I now know why. There are 3 types of assistants at my workplace. A1 is the type who asks what needs to be done and does it no complaints. A2 is the type who needs to be told every little thing to do or this person will not do anything. A3 doesn’t ask all the time and just does, this is also a hindrance because sometimes this person messes things up by doing what doesn’t need to be done or doing something the wrong way. None of these are wrong! but they need to mesh with the person they are assisting.
Yesterday, I started out the day not needing much help at first as I wanted to do part myself so if I messed up this piece of which I had little, there would be no one to blame but me. There was still plenty that A2 could have done. A2 came to me and said let me know what you need me to do? Which I partially get, but in these beginning stages there is so much to do, I shouldn’t have to tell you to do anything. Take some initiative and start or ask. Minor things like relocating small furniture, pulling things out of storage should be a given. I ended the day not asking A2 for anything as I didn’t feel comfortable out of frustration and feared it would come out wrong. Before the end the day however, I was told A2 would not be my assistant anymore and A3 would. I was happy. A3 is known for being a hard worker at my workplace. No sooner than I found out about this switch, a coworker of mine who now has A1 asked if I would be comfortable taking A1 back and A3 returning to her (coworker had her previously). I said honestly I don’t care, as long as I didn’t have A2 I would be fine as our ways of working just aren’t the same. It’s not either of our decisions anyway, so I assumed this coworker wanted to approach the boss with this. I don’t know if this happened.
A3 comes into my office yesterday and does some minor things but it was late in the day so there wasn’t much time to get things accomplished. Fast forward to this morning. After yesterday, when the coworker said one of the reasons for wanting to switch was that she didn’t have much for A1 to do, I arrive at office and ask A1 to help me empty the closet. This was the plan prior to us finding out we were switching assistants. A1 says yes, when A1 is done with coworker and another coworker. Fine I think, I’ll get some help today. I go find A3, thinking ok we can tackle some this morning and hopefully in the afternoon, it will be the 3 of us to finish up. I find A3 in another coworkers office preparing. I am confused. A3 tells me she is helping this coworker and will come to me this afternoon. I am really confused at this point as I didn’t know I was sharing. It’s fine to share. It’s not fine to not be notified. This means from around 730 – 12 noon, I was expecting, almost 5 hours with no assistant.Actually 4, because there was a meeting scheduled in between. Somewhere between 8 and 10am, I find A3 now working in yet another coworkers office. A3 tells me again I’ll be there in the afternoon. Hours pass, nothing from A1, no A3. I finally start emptying the closet and preparing on my own. Everything must be ready by Thursday and so far I have had no help in 2 days. We’ve been breaking for lunch around 11am. Our meeting happened to be over at 11, so I run to get food, come back, eat and start around 11:30. I make a brief stop in another coworkers office to ask about something, only to find A3 still working in this office. Unbelievable, but I now know what has to happen. I was on a mission seeing as how I now had 4 hours to get the office completely ready as I would have no access on Wednesday. This all took place on a Tuesday.
I work hard the next 2 and half hours. Really hard. I get everything mostly done. I only have my personal desk to attend to and that can wait. 2 hours before we are scheduled to go home for the day A3 pops up like ta-da I’m here! Say what??!! Record scratch. I am very frustrated at this point and tell A3 I am done and don’t need help. A3 asks why didn’t I wait? Ummm sir, I do not have 6+ hours to sit around and wait for you to show up in the last 2! If it took me a day to do one portion…by myself… and another 6 to finish it… by myself… how do you possibly expect all this to get done in 2 hours and not even 2 as I know A3 is prompt to go home right on clock. Even at double the people, so lets double the time, that’s still only 4 hours compared to the 6 I did by myself.Mistake I do, but you should never do this! I say its fine, she says no it’s not and I leave it there and go back into my classroom. Don’t say you’re fine if your not. This applies to coworkers or relationships alike (I’d take caution with supervisors or bosses as they really don’t care if you are fine or not) A3 then says sorry but not really and seems more bothered I didn’t wait. Oh was she bothered I found out later.
I have been working hard for over 2 hours… I’m done. I head to a coworkers office to vent. A3 comes into this office after I had been there around 10 minutes and tells me I HURT their feelings!! You have got to be kidding me. I tell A3 that this was not my intention but how did you honestly expect me to wait that long? What was I suppose to do all day? Twiddle my thumbs while waiting. We get interrupted and that’s that.
This is just a piece in a series of mundane things that are adding up. I love my alone time, I cherish my alone time, so it’s not really being alone, it’s never having any help. It’s never having someone I can call on for support. It’s never even having someone to vent to who actually cares. I live alone. I am tired of doing dishes, can’t hope one day so and so will do it, because there is only me. I am tired of vacuuming, mopping, straightening up and washing clothes. I am tired of having to go get the mail. I am tired of taking out the trash. I once read a piece from an author. She spoke of it in passion and said she never takes out the trash, it may have even said took out the trash… as in EVER. It must have been, because it has stuck with me ever since as I wondered how marvelous but also how did she accomplish this? I know there are periods of singledom, so how did she manage then? I have been researching hiring a cleaning service to help with this.
In the end, it all boils down to me just being tired of having all the responsibility. I need help, big and small. I can manage going to work, paying rent, etc, that’s what I am suppose to do but the mundane is killing me. The bigger picture is too, such as having someone to recap that awesome concert you went to, take you and drop you off at the airport, remember that great ice cream cone you had or simply having someone to come home to and see you off. A neighbor and I left for work yesterday at the same time. As I heard her giggling and saying I love you too repeatedly to someone I could not see, I felt a pang of jealously mixed with happiness that someone was feeling loved this morning. I feel like because of my introverted nature everyone assumes I’ll be fine. “I can get to her later, she’ll be fine”, “I can swap out her assistant, she’ll be fine”, “I don’t have to help her, because she will do it, she’ll be fine” but the thing is, I am tired, I am not fine.